acceptance

i am constantly looking for peoples acceptance. for people to like me. i realize this is only because im trying to accept myself in a way. i have given up. im looking for and wanting all the wrong things. i just want to be loved and not feel lonely anymore. is that too much to ask for? today has been a long day and i am only happy that tomorrow will be completely different. a new beginning.

genuine happiness

i am so happy for everyone who got into the college they were hoping for. i can feel the energy and the excitement that the end of the year brings. it makes me want to cry both of sadness and happiness. sadness because its the end and happiness because its almost a new beginning. i want to feel the success of getting into college. the success of knowing that i achieved everything that i have been working for. i want life to never end. i love it. i really do.

i could probably type for another hour or so but i have many things to get done. i feel so passionate and happy today. even though theres rain outside and clouds, my heart it shining. I'm content. i want it to stay like this forever.

am i obsessed?

im so glad thats its almost spring. i want to lie in the grass and take walks without freezing my ass off. i feel like that all i talk about is my art. art art art art art. this probabaly makes me a boring person. some people just dont get it. i wish that they did. i wish people could love it as much as i do because then i wouldnt feel so out of place. im not obsessed....maybe. i like other things. im just commited to make my art the best that it can be. i get consumed, i lose myself, and i feel like i have no restraints. i can do whatever the hell i want when it comes to my artwork. if i want to make a painting of a giant pink dog, hell yeah im going to paint it. i have no idea if this is even making sense. I could paint, print, or draw FOREVER. thats what i want to do.

i wonder if its healthy to be this obsessed with something. im passionate. not just about art but about everything. i love to REALLY look at the world. i want to take all of it in. the beautiful things and the ugly things. because without the ugly we wouldnt appreciate the beauty.

this post is probably extremely boring. no wonder no one reads my blog. still, i love to type this nonsense.

Better

lately i have been in a really great mood. i would really like to quit being so straight edge, its just NOT a fun life style for me. I'm so bored with life. I'm sick and tired of trying to be a good kid because frankly it isn't really me. I'm not someone who is absolutely obnoxious but i do like to have fun.

Ive been in such an artsy mood. i want to paint ALL FRIGGIN DAY LOONG. i would love that. i would TOTALLY love that. Ive been giving up the idea that i always need to do an amazing job with every art piece i work on. Ive realized that when i do this i generally make my work less then what it could be. printmaking is absolutely amazing!!!!! i love it. i think i might want to minor in printmaking. its so mind consuming. i stop thinking when i do it and time just flys right by.

my creative writing class is so great. i actually look forward to having that class. its not a class where you just sit there and zone out when the teacher talks, you actually want to listen.

i still cant wait to go to college but whats new? i will want that until i go. i have no idea what college i want to go to but does it matter right now? just the idea of going and becoming my own person is enough. art college is going to be like summer vacation but with art supplies and people surrounding you that actually have the same interests as you.

I'm am 99.9% positive that no one reads my blog. it would make me happy if some one did but i wouldn't whine about it if they didn't. i like to blog and just get my thoughts out. its therapeutic.

the good things

i have fallen in love with my art all over again. i have been lacking inspiration but lately i feel like everything is inspiring. i want to do my art all the time. i want to get rid of everything else. eating sleeping,and talking. id get rid of it all if i could just have my art. i guess that without people art wouldnt mean a thing. you need people to make your art worth it. not just for compliments but to make you more passionate. theres nothing better then being able to talk about something you love with another person.

people tend to become obsessed with all the bad things in their life. they forget about the bad things and become ultimatly depressed. there isnt just horrible things in this world. life DOES get better.

ive always said that i dont need people to be happy but i have realized i do. friends make your life better. they really do.