im consumed in all this shit that i forget about everything else. i forget what its like to be just a teenager who cares about pointless things. You know what? I would really love that, to care about pointless things like does my hair look good today or am i going to hang out with anyone this weekend? I know i know, i have no life basically because i make that way. I'm always letting my thoughts get to me and then people dont want to be around me. No one wants to be around another person who brings there mood down. It's not always going to be like this and that makes me a little happier.
I'm in a good mood today, dont let the first paragraph fool you.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
lurking
I'm in one of those moods where everything just looks awful. No one is ever happy around here, its like all the bad things are lurking around every corner and theyre going to jump out and consume everyone one by one. It's fucking depressing. I want to get out god dammit. I'm so lonely, but how can you be lonely with a house full of people?
Today, for the 100th time, im officially going to stop eating junk food. It makes me feel awful. Thats all this house is filled with: JUNK FOOD.
Why do i even go on this stupid computer? it doesnt do anything for me except take up my time. I need to get things DONE. I have all the rest of the summer though i guess. I need to stop bitching because all its going to do is make things worst. I have 65 days left until the first day of school, i have all the time in the world.
Today, for the 100th time, im officially going to stop eating junk food. It makes me feel awful. Thats all this house is filled with: JUNK FOOD.
Why do i even go on this stupid computer? it doesnt do anything for me except take up my time. I need to get things DONE. I have all the rest of the summer though i guess. I need to stop bitching because all its going to do is make things worst. I have 65 days left until the first day of school, i have all the time in the world.
| Chevelle - Well Enough Alone .mp3 | ||
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Sunday, June 27, 2010
Zoned Out
i need to get this mural done. ive been staring at it more then i have been working on it. You know when you draw something and then you stand back and look at it for an hour? maybe you don't... Well, thats what i do. I havent been able to really get into it. Like when your working on a piece and you zone out so the time goes by really fast. Thats what i like about art, when i do it i dont think about anything, just the picture. It's so relaxing.
I was up all night last night and i should have worked on my mural but i didnt. I just zoned off and listened to music. I wasted so much time. I hate that, When you know you should be doing something else but you dont anyways.
I was up all night last night and i should have worked on my mural but i didnt. I just zoned off and listened to music. I wasted so much time. I hate that, When you know you should be doing something else but you dont anyways.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
issues
so it is 12:30 and i have eaten a jello, a pickle, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and an ice cream in the last 3 hours. i know its not because I'm hungry. I'm trying to fix my mood with food. It's so fucking unhealthy, i know this, but i don't know how to stop. i want to try and figure out a way to stop over eating but when i think about it i generally just eat more because then i get depressed. It's a never ending battle. GAWD dieting is harder then you think. Diets DO NOT WORK because as soon as you get off of it you gain back twice the wait you lost. godammit. this is too hard.
So i have started the mural i was bitching about and i think that so far its alright. you can't judge artwork until its finished, but you can get a feel of how its going to turn out by the work you do while finishing it. My teacher said that he wouldn't be surprised if i finished it in three days...pfff. why do they think great things of me? It actually breaks my heart to know that people think I'm great because in truth, I'm not the person people think i am. i am average and broken.
Summer has only been for what? 4 days? and i can already see what the rest of it will consist of, art, computer and an endless flow of rented movies. It's quite dull. I want to get a lot done though. I WILL get a lot done...i hope. I really need to.
damn.
Technology is taking over my life. i believe this world would be better without. People would spend less time sitting in front of televisions zoning out and they wouldn't talk on the phone all day. They'd actually interact with on another instead of having some stupid device do it for them. I would get a lot more done if i didn't have this stupid fucking computer dragging me to it every ten seconds. I know that its a choice to live this way but when you have a computer and what not its hard not to use it. It's always a choice of will i go and draw or will i spend the next 3 hours on facebook? its ridiculous. I want to get rid of them and then i would feel better. I don't think my family would be happy about that decision.
Why is it that i think 10x better at one in the morning then i do during the day? Its strange. I have so much more energy too. i feel like i could go for a jog right now. I'll probably just go work on my mural instead. That's what i should do. I need to get more exercise in my life though. Another thing to add on to my my never ending list:exercise.
So i have started the mural i was bitching about and i think that so far its alright. you can't judge artwork until its finished, but you can get a feel of how its going to turn out by the work you do while finishing it. My teacher said that he wouldn't be surprised if i finished it in three days...pfff. why do they think great things of me? It actually breaks my heart to know that people think I'm great because in truth, I'm not the person people think i am. i am average and broken.
Summer has only been for what? 4 days? and i can already see what the rest of it will consist of, art, computer and an endless flow of rented movies. It's quite dull. I want to get a lot done though. I WILL get a lot done...i hope. I really need to.
damn.
Technology is taking over my life. i believe this world would be better without. People would spend less time sitting in front of televisions zoning out and they wouldn't talk on the phone all day. They'd actually interact with on another instead of having some stupid device do it for them. I would get a lot more done if i didn't have this stupid fucking computer dragging me to it every ten seconds. I know that its a choice to live this way but when you have a computer and what not its hard not to use it. It's always a choice of will i go and draw or will i spend the next 3 hours on facebook? its ridiculous. I want to get rid of them and then i would feel better. I don't think my family would be happy about that decision.
Why is it that i think 10x better at one in the morning then i do during the day? Its strange. I have so much more energy too. i feel like i could go for a jog right now. I'll probably just go work on my mural instead. That's what i should do. I need to get more exercise in my life though. Another thing to add on to my my never ending list:exercise.
Monday, June 21, 2010
joy? really?
Summer is not the most enjoyable time of the year. it does not bring people closer, it does not make me happier. it makes me feel alone. i want to call up all the people that i promised to hangout with but then my stomach gets tied in a knot and i decide not to. Don't get me wrong, i love to be around my friends but lately ive been pushing everyone away. When someone tries to fit into the world, they choose to hangout with a variety of different people until they find a crowd they are comfortable with and fit into. Sometimes, when someone doesnt find that place in the world that they belong, they give up and become ultimately alone. I dont want to be that somebody.
I said that i would do this mural for the school and im wishing that i had said no. You know when you love to do something but hate it when your SUPPOSED to do it?. I'm not being made to do it but i still have the feeling that i am. I know that when i finally begin it, i wont feel this way anymore.
It really bothered me the other day when i heard from a person that i have known for a while that what i thought was the truth wasnt. It's really long and complicated but my point is that when i think something is fine and happy but then it isnt it kills me. From a distant things can sem fine but when you look closer its not. When you peel back the layers of something it doesnt appear to be that marvelous thing you thought it was. i dont think youd be able to understand what im saying, sorry.
Ive been trying to lose weight for a while now but then when everything is going good and ive been eating healthy, my family has chinese food or something for supper. ive just been handed a fist full of candy. GAaaah its just too tempting. Its hard to eat healthy and such when the people around you have a diet of only junk food. losing weight is easier said then done. i WILL lose weight god dammit!
I said that i would do this mural for the school and im wishing that i had said no. You know when you love to do something but hate it when your SUPPOSED to do it?. I'm not being made to do it but i still have the feeling that i am. I know that when i finally begin it, i wont feel this way anymore.
It really bothered me the other day when i heard from a person that i have known for a while that what i thought was the truth wasnt. It's really long and complicated but my point is that when i think something is fine and happy but then it isnt it kills me. From a distant things can sem fine but when you look closer its not. When you peel back the layers of something it doesnt appear to be that marvelous thing you thought it was. i dont think youd be able to understand what im saying, sorry.
Ive been trying to lose weight for a while now but then when everything is going good and ive been eating healthy, my family has chinese food or something for supper. ive just been handed a fist full of candy. GAaaah its just too tempting. Its hard to eat healthy and such when the people around you have a diet of only junk food. losing weight is easier said then done. i WILL lose weight god dammit!
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