Done

i just want to give up. I want to crawl out of my skin.

i need something different. i want something so bad. i hate wanting things. everyone always wants something. the human species are so selfish and self indulged. i want to do something for someone else for a change. my thoughts are so scattered. this probably doesnt make any sense. I want to meet new people and see new places. Mostly i just want college.

Time is pssing too quickly. soon enough im going to be old. We're all going to be old. Does that frighten you? it frightens me now but i was thinking about it and if i live a good life and do the things i want to do, then i wont be as sad when i get old.

i've also been thinking that there's no point being sad about certain things such as the way society works. we need to do something about it instead of just being angry about it. i need to do something. i dont know what though. Maybe go away and live someplacce where it's always Fall. I love Fall.

the colors
the smell
nature is beautiful.
i want it to always be like this.
im so happy.

Hypocrite

I am happy to be back at school, it gives me something to do. I hate being aimless and having no structure, i NEED structure, i NEED a goal and i NEED to feel like I'm going somewhere.
I am such a hypocrite and its disgusting. Needs are okay wants are not. I need to make it somewhere. If i leap for that cliff and miss by even an inch i will perish.

Carefree

i don't care anymore. I don't care what people think of me. They can hate me if they want, it's a free country. I hate when im around a crowd of people and all i can think about is if theyre judging me or not. It's not a good way to live, it's just stressful. I don't give a damn anymore HA!

I went to Montserrat and it was amazing. I felt like i belonged their. I didn't feel like an outcast, it was a beautiful day. There are no words to describe how amazing it was. I want to go there and stay forever. Or at least until i get a job and stuff like that. I still want to compare the city to the subarbs buuuuut i think Montserrat is going to beat living in the city.

I have officially gotten my GPA up to where it's supposed to be; i could leap for joy right now. Now there is one less thing i need to worry about. Any good grades i get now are just adding on to my already graet GPA. I am happy.

numb

it's humid in my house but not outside. i want to be outside but my art is calling for me to be inside. Flowers are an unispirational thing to draw. It's hard to get into; to consume myself in the stroke of each petal gets harder with each line taht protrudes from my pencil. i shoudl be there now, in front of that forsaken drawing, but instaed im here typing words that no one will read.i don't feel like im living, im numb but im not unhappy. just numb.

beauty

consumed

im consumed in all this shit that i forget about everything else. i forget what its like to be just a teenager who cares about pointless things. You know what? I would really love that, to care about pointless things like does my hair look good today or am i going to hang out with anyone this weekend? I know i know, i have no life basically because i make that way. I'm always letting my thoughts get to me and then people dont want to be around me. No one wants to be around another person who brings there mood down. It's not always going to be like this and that makes me a little happier.

I'm in a good mood today, dont let the first paragraph fool you.

lurking

I'm in one of those moods where everything just looks awful. No one is ever happy around here, its like all the bad things are lurking around every corner and theyre going to jump out and consume everyone one by one. It's fucking depressing. I want to get out god dammit. I'm so lonely, but how can you be lonely with a house full of people?

Today, for the 100th time, im officially going to stop eating junk food. It makes me feel awful. Thats all this house is filled with: JUNK FOOD.

Why do i even go on this stupid computer? it doesnt do anything for me except take up my time. I need to get things DONE. I have all the rest of the summer though i guess. I need to stop bitching because all its going to do is make things worst. I have 65 days left until the first day of school, i have all the time in the world.

	Chevelle - Well Enough Alone .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Zoned Out

i need to get this mural done. ive been staring at it more then i have been working on it. You know when you draw something and then you stand back and look at it for an hour? maybe you don't... Well, thats what i do. I havent been able to really get into it. Like when your working on a piece and you zone out so the time goes by really fast. Thats what i like about art, when i do it i dont think about anything, just the picture. It's so relaxing.

I was up all night last night and i should have worked on my mural but i didnt. I just zoned off and listened to music. I wasted so much time. I hate that, When you know you should be doing something else but you dont anyways.

i am going nuts.

issues

so it is 12:30 and i have eaten a jello, a pickle, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and an ice cream in the last 3 hours. i know its not because I'm hungry. I'm trying to fix my mood with food. It's so fucking unhealthy, i know this, but i don't know how to stop. i want to try and figure out a way to stop over eating but when i think about it i generally just eat more because then i get depressed. It's a never ending battle. GAWD dieting is harder then you think. Diets DO NOT WORK because as soon as you get off of it you gain back twice the wait you lost. godammit. this is too hard.

So i have started the mural i was bitching about and i think that so far its alright. you can't judge artwork until its finished, but you can get a feel of how its going to turn out by the work you do while finishing it. My teacher said that he wouldn't be surprised if i finished it in three days...pfff. why do they think great things of me? It actually breaks my heart to know that people think I'm great because in truth, I'm not the person people think i am. i am average and broken.

Summer has only been for what? 4 days? and i can already see what the rest of it will consist of, art, computer and an endless flow of rented movies. It's quite dull. I want to get a lot done though. I WILL get a lot done...i hope. I really need to.

damn.

Technology is taking over my life. i believe this world would be better without. People would spend less time sitting in front of televisions zoning out and they wouldn't talk on the phone all day. They'd actually interact with on another instead of having some stupid device do it for them. I would get a lot more done if i didn't have this stupid fucking computer dragging me to it every ten seconds. I know that its a choice to live this way but when you have a computer and what not its hard not to use it. It's always a choice of will i go and draw or will i spend the next 3 hours on facebook? its ridiculous. I want to get rid of them and then i would feel better. I don't think my family would be happy about that decision.

Why is it that i think 10x better at one in the morning then i do during the day? Its strange. I have so much more energy too. i feel like i could go for a jog right now. I'll probably just go work on my mural instead. That's what i should do. I need to get more exercise in my life though. Another thing to add on to my my never ending list:exercise.

joy? really?

Summer is not the most enjoyable time of the year. it does not bring people closer, it does not make me happier. it makes me feel alone. i want to call up all the people that i promised to hangout with but then my stomach gets tied in a knot and i decide not to. Don't get me wrong, i love to be around my friends but lately ive been pushing everyone away. When someone tries to fit into the world, they choose to hangout with a variety of different people until they find a crowd they are comfortable with and fit into. Sometimes, when someone doesnt find that place in the world that they belong, they give up and become ultimately alone. I dont want to be that somebody.

I said that i would do this mural for the school and im wishing that i had said no. You know when you love to do something but hate it when your SUPPOSED to do it?. I'm not being made to do it but i still have the feeling that i am. I know that when i finally begin it, i wont feel this way anymore.

It really bothered me the other day when i heard from a person that i have known for a while that what i thought was the truth wasnt. It's really long and complicated but my point is that when i think something is fine and happy but then it isnt it kills me. From a distant things can sem fine but when you look closer its not. When you peel back the layers of something it doesnt appear to be that marvelous thing you thought it was. i dont think youd be able to understand what im saying, sorry.

Ive been trying to lose weight for a while now but then when everything is going good and ive been eating healthy, my family has chinese food or something for supper. ive just been handed a fist full of candy. GAaaah its just too tempting. Its hard to eat healthy and such when the people around you have a diet of only junk food. losing weight is easier said then done. i WILL lose weight god dammit!

its the end of the year and the only thing i can think about is that i have to go back to school next year. it should be over. gone forever.

change

i keep trying to convince myself that it wont be this slow forever. once im in college and around people, ill actually get out and do stuff. i hope it wont be the case, but i think that i wont see the people that i went to high school with ever again once i graduate.

i keep saying to myself that this is only a part of my life and there will be more parts to happen. i want something that i can look forward to instead of thinking life will always be this way. things will change and i will be thankful for it.

sometimes i feel bad that i want to get away from my family but doesnt every teenager want freedom? freedom to do what you want, the freedom to live the way you choose, the freedom to be yourself. i want it all. im screaming for it. im open to a new adventure in life.

its almost sad to think that this stage of my life is almost over but then i think about all things that are out there waiting for me and i dont feel sad anymore. i hope that before i am dead, i will have had an adventure. i hope that i will say i have lived my life gloriously.

change is always scary. im absolutely terrified of the idea of college, but then im also so excited for it. i dont know how i can feel both the emotions at the same time. i just dont want to feel like that im all of a sudden being put out into the world by myself.

ghost

i am starting this blog not knowing what i want to type. im hoping that if i keep typing what im really thinking, whats REALLY in the back of my head will come forth. this is just plain stupid. i dont think thats even possible. when you have a thought its just... i dont know what the fuck im saying.

i have been extremely lonely this whole vacation. i sit on facebook and hope that someone comes on that i can talk to but then they do and i feel too shy. i need to stop thinking about what others think of me. ive forgotten what it feels like to just be myself im so self consious. its a curse that you cant shake unless some miracle comes along.

im pretty sure that no one reads this. i feel like a ghost.

real

people live by so many rules so many things that just dont fucking matter. why cant people be themselves? id rather deal with someone whos real then some tool. id like to say that this is the thing thats bothering me but then i would be a liar.

acceptance

i am constantly looking for peoples acceptance. for people to like me. i realize this is only because im trying to accept myself in a way. i have given up. im looking for and wanting all the wrong things. i just want to be loved and not feel lonely anymore. is that too much to ask for? today has been a long day and i am only happy that tomorrow will be completely different. a new beginning.

genuine happiness

i am so happy for everyone who got into the college they were hoping for. i can feel the energy and the excitement that the end of the year brings. it makes me want to cry both of sadness and happiness. sadness because its the end and happiness because its almost a new beginning. i want to feel the success of getting into college. the success of knowing that i achieved everything that i have been working for. i want life to never end. i love it. i really do.

i could probably type for another hour or so but i have many things to get done. i feel so passionate and happy today. even though theres rain outside and clouds, my heart it shining. I'm content. i want it to stay like this forever.

am i obsessed?

im so glad thats its almost spring. i want to lie in the grass and take walks without freezing my ass off. i feel like that all i talk about is my art. art art art art art. this probabaly makes me a boring person. some people just dont get it. i wish that they did. i wish people could love it as much as i do because then i wouldnt feel so out of place. im not obsessed....maybe. i like other things. im just commited to make my art the best that it can be. i get consumed, i lose myself, and i feel like i have no restraints. i can do whatever the hell i want when it comes to my artwork. if i want to make a painting of a giant pink dog, hell yeah im going to paint it. i have no idea if this is even making sense. I could paint, print, or draw FOREVER. thats what i want to do.

i wonder if its healthy to be this obsessed with something. im passionate. not just about art but about everything. i love to REALLY look at the world. i want to take all of it in. the beautiful things and the ugly things. because without the ugly we wouldnt appreciate the beauty.

this post is probably extremely boring. no wonder no one reads my blog. still, i love to type this nonsense.

Better

lately i have been in a really great mood. i would really like to quit being so straight edge, its just NOT a fun life style for me. I'm so bored with life. I'm sick and tired of trying to be a good kid because frankly it isn't really me. I'm not someone who is absolutely obnoxious but i do like to have fun.

Ive been in such an artsy mood. i want to paint ALL FRIGGIN DAY LOONG. i would love that. i would TOTALLY love that. Ive been giving up the idea that i always need to do an amazing job with every art piece i work on. Ive realized that when i do this i generally make my work less then what it could be. printmaking is absolutely amazing!!!!! i love it. i think i might want to minor in printmaking. its so mind consuming. i stop thinking when i do it and time just flys right by.

my creative writing class is so great. i actually look forward to having that class. its not a class where you just sit there and zone out when the teacher talks, you actually want to listen.

i still cant wait to go to college but whats new? i will want that until i go. i have no idea what college i want to go to but does it matter right now? just the idea of going and becoming my own person is enough. art college is going to be like summer vacation but with art supplies and people surrounding you that actually have the same interests as you.

I'm am 99.9% positive that no one reads my blog. it would make me happy if some one did but i wouldn't whine about it if they didn't. i like to blog and just get my thoughts out. its therapeutic.

the good things

i have fallen in love with my art all over again. i have been lacking inspiration but lately i feel like everything is inspiring. i want to do my art all the time. i want to get rid of everything else. eating sleeping,and talking. id get rid of it all if i could just have my art. i guess that without people art wouldnt mean a thing. you need people to make your art worth it. not just for compliments but to make you more passionate. theres nothing better then being able to talk about something you love with another person.

people tend to become obsessed with all the bad things in their life. they forget about the bad things and become ultimatly depressed. there isnt just horrible things in this world. life DOES get better.

ive always said that i dont need people to be happy but i have realized i do. friends make your life better. they really do.

detachment

sometimes i feel like i am disappearing. im not totally sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thng. sometimes i welcome the feeling of detachment. i live each day as though i am looking at myself through a window. if people would learn to live in the moment, i feel that we would all be happier. the past tends to consume you when you constantly live in it.

i would like to believe that i understand why things happened the way they did. i just wish i could change them instead of understanding them.

at this moment my head feels full of jello and my eyes feel like they are melting

a huge waste

i have been extremely sick this vacation and i miss being able to breath. i just want to get better so i can do things without being completely exhausted and feeling horrible. i tried to start an art piece today but i gave up shortly and have put it off for a more enjoyable time.

i have nothing new to say other then my brother came back home. i don't know how to feel about it other then i am extremely confused with life. everything i believed would happen hasn't. i want something to go as planned, but i know that that is a want that will never happen.

its been a long vacation and i feel as though i have wasted it all. i haven't done anything productive. Ive just wasted all my precious time watching movie after movie after movie.

the god damn people

i believe that there are good people in this world. or at least i would like to. some people don't give a damn what happens to other people and then others actually have a heart. caring is a hard thing to do. all it does is just add more responsibility to your roll in life. sometimes i just want to say fuck everything, i don't care.

i want all the questions to stop. i want all the mystery to vanish. i cant deal with all of this. how much can one person carry in there head? i just want to make it to college that's all I'm asking for. is that too much?

i miss my friends and i am looking forward to having an art class again. I'm seriously having some art class withdrawal. i want to be surrounded by people i can relate to. being at the same place for too long can drive someone insane. i want my art classes!!! i want the people back.

Moving Forward

i don't want to move forward. I want to stay at this moment forever. I don't want to face reality. but then i do. Could i just choose some things outta life that i want to deal with and leave the rest out? I think i would be better able to deal with it then. with all of it.

doubt

i am actually questioning whether or not i want to do art for the rest of my life. does that make me a bad artist? i just don't know. its hard for me to make a set plan and keep it. i don't want things to nail me to the ground permanently. i want the freedom to change things. theres always the option of changing mediums and such. i love my art why am i even saying this??? I'm jinxing myself right now.

many artists don't make it to where they want to be. even if they are great. they dont get to that point where you say to yourself, "wow, I've made it." I'm scared I'm not going to make it. I'm going to fall short of that narrow cliff and no one is going to remember me after i die. that's one of the things i don't want. i don't want to die and just be forgotten. how sad would that be? for someone not to matter. i want to matter.

I'm always doubting myself
all people tend to do that. right?

before i die i want to have an adventure. a real adventure. i want to live with out limitations and i just want to be happy. i read about others journeys and they only bring me to realize how bored ive been with life so far. i want to do something but i dont exactly know what it is. i think i am becoming sick. i hate sneezing and coughing. they are uneccessary. really.

the computer has begun to be my only friend this vacation. i feel extremely alone. i want people to talk and laugh with.

Abnormalty

i feel passionate today. about everything. i want to climb a mountain and scream to the world how much i love it. i don't know what has caused my good mood. nothing that fantastic has happened today. just the same old stuff. but i still feel happy. is this normal? definitely not normal for me.

maybe ill paint today. I'm in a painting mood. maybe its the music I'm listening to. Eddie Vedder. he's amazing and his music puts a smile on my face. this mood of mine wont last forever so i might as well make the best of it and paint a beautiful picture. or maybe ill do some colored pencil work. i loved colored pencils. i love starting a new picture. but the end of a piece of art is the best. knowing that you created it. you thought of it. and it is yours. well, maybe not that. what am i trying to explain?

i do not know

i love art because it lets me express myself in a way that is unique. and i don't have to talk or explain it. i generally do not like to talk. weird right? i really wish that i was that talkative person but I'm not. talking to people is exhausting. its not because they are boring, but because its just the way i am. if people could express how they feel through paintings and drawings, i would fit right in. People don't do this, so i will inevitably never fit in. or maybe I'm just being stupid. this doesn't make sense does it?

outside looks so peaceful.

time to change

Ive been making myself hate art lately and i finally know the reason why. Ive been making my art a job and not something i love to do. I'm forcing myself to think of great things to draw or paint and I'm not allowing myself to love it. To feel the way Ive always felt about art, i need to enjoy it again and inspiration will come to me.

You cant look for love, you have to let love find you. Ive some how forgotten what love is lately. everything has begun to consume my thoughts. i want to feel passion, love, and need again. Ive been letting everything go because i just haven't cared. i didn't give a damn that i was losing everything that made me me because i thought, and still think, that life is never going to give me what i want and what I'm looking for. i don't think this as much anymore but it still is on the edge of my mind.

Will we ever be happy? will people ever get what they deserve outta life? i believe we have to fight for it. things aren't going to just fall into your lap. You have to work for them. i didn't get to where i am today without hard work and determination. i am determined to be happy. i will be happy one day.

My goal today will be not to eat everything in sight. i tend to do that often. its a really bad habit. i hate dwelling on my stupid problems but sometimes you have to face them and stop shoving them under the carpet until they eventually break you down and kill you. wow, that's dramatic huh?

its been a really hard year so far and i don't want it to keep going this way. this year I'm going to discover myself. I'm going to stop being that negative person and I'm going to look at things in a different light. i say this now, but later I'm just going to be like fuck that. that's usually how i think. i think that nothing is ever going to get better, but that's exactly whats dragging me down.

The people in my life have really shaped me to the person i am today. the good AND the bad people. there are no villains in my life, only people who have taught me many things. learning is the most important thing you can do in life. you have to learn and grow from the good and the bad. if people just let the bad get to them, this would be a really sad world. i don't know if any of this is making sense. i hope it is.

I have so many thoughts in my head that sometimes it all melts together and it becomes an endless jumble of things I'm not able to organize. its hard living in your own head sometimes. i wish i could just leave it, like going on vacation. I sometimes wish that i never heard some of things that i have. i wish i was ignorant to everything, but that would only make me some one else, a stranger really. i like being some one who is able to understand.

Today's been shaping out to be like all of the rest. Nothing new ever happens unless its a bad thing. i want something exciting, happy and exhilarating to happen. i hate living the same way everyday. i want this to happen but today will not be that day. or any day soon.

its sunday and its valentines day. doing nothing but the same thing i do everyday. eat. sleep. and watch a movie. i sound like a zombie or sumthing, except i can sleep and watch movies. im listening to the Who. its a mad old band but they never get boring. Maybe ill find sumthing exciting to do today. i feel so restless.

blogging mood

so i like the idea of this blog thing. im blogging twice in one day, are you supposed to do that? theres no rules to blogging and i love that. you can type anything you want, anything your little heart desires and no ones going to be like hey! you cant say that. lolz. what AM i saying?

its vacation but i dont feel happy about it. i mean sure you dont have to worry about school, but strangely, i think i like school. i feel like it can take you places. people dont use school to the fullest that they can go. im trying to do that this year. ive fucked up every year before and i want to stop being that fuck up. i want to be the person that people say, "wow, shes really gone somewhere with her life." im scared that im not going to make it though. im trying so hard and im going to fall at any mom,ent. im going to do something wrong and im going to ruin everything. again.

you cant think that way though. thinking negatively only brings you negativity.

ive been trying to find some inspiration for sum art but nothing is helping. its making me irritated. i feel horrible if i dont do anything in art for a long period of time, like its a part of me and with out it id die. thats kinda dramatic but its the way i feel. people tell me im good, but i dont feel that way. i need to be better. thats all that i think. i need to master everything if i want to go any where. but thats not true. i ,love to learn new things and i cant learn enough. i want to know EVERYTHING. haha

this is yet another pointless blog.

not sure if its anger

i feel like Ive been pretty pissed off lately but I'm not entirely sure. i think its just me and not the people around me, yet i still seem to be pissed off at everyone. its like I'm mad at them for being happy. pretty messed up right? i think i might be turning into a total bitch. i want to live in sum ignorant bubble and just not deal with people. gawd. i sound so negative. I'm really not an angry person, its just my mood at this time period.

Ive been really thinking about college lately. i feel as though its my only escape. its my only hope for a normal life. i would really love that. i want to paint 24/7 and just love being me. i get angry when I'm not able to create a picture that's "perfect" because I'm failing if i do. Im not a perfectionist I'm just looking for something. i don't know exactly what that is. but i know I'm only going to get it through my art.

i cant tell people enough how much i love art

there isn't any words for it

i feel like this blog is pointless and that no one is going to read it, but its helping me in this dumb way of "clearing out the clutter in my head" I'm going to adopt the same rule as jeff greene and I'm not going to delete anything that i type. haha. so most likely, none of my blogs are going to make any sense.

i used to loove watching movies and just chilling on the sofa but theres a point where it just gets old. i probably watch a movie at least twice a day and i hate it now. even if its a GREAT movie, i still hate sitting there. i want to talk to people and i want to DO SOMETHING. im tired of wasting my life away watching damn movies. my friends seem like theyre always doing something. im bored with life. i want to take more risks. talk to more people and stop being a dumbass. i think i need to hang out with my friends more. thatd make me happier.