detachment

sometimes i feel like i am disappearing. im not totally sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thng. sometimes i welcome the feeling of detachment. i live each day as though i am looking at myself through a window. if people would learn to live in the moment, i feel that we would all be happier. the past tends to consume you when you constantly live in it.

i would like to believe that i understand why things happened the way they did. i just wish i could change them instead of understanding them.

at this moment my head feels full of jello and my eyes feel like they are melting

a huge waste

i have been extremely sick this vacation and i miss being able to breath. i just want to get better so i can do things without being completely exhausted and feeling horrible. i tried to start an art piece today but i gave up shortly and have put it off for a more enjoyable time.

i have nothing new to say other then my brother came back home. i don't know how to feel about it other then i am extremely confused with life. everything i believed would happen hasn't. i want something to go as planned, but i know that that is a want that will never happen.

its been a long vacation and i feel as though i have wasted it all. i haven't done anything productive. Ive just wasted all my precious time watching movie after movie after movie.

the god damn people

i believe that there are good people in this world. or at least i would like to. some people don't give a damn what happens to other people and then others actually have a heart. caring is a hard thing to do. all it does is just add more responsibility to your roll in life. sometimes i just want to say fuck everything, i don't care.

i want all the questions to stop. i want all the mystery to vanish. i cant deal with all of this. how much can one person carry in there head? i just want to make it to college that's all I'm asking for. is that too much?

i miss my friends and i am looking forward to having an art class again. I'm seriously having some art class withdrawal. i want to be surrounded by people i can relate to. being at the same place for too long can drive someone insane. i want my art classes!!! i want the people back.

Moving Forward

i don't want to move forward. I want to stay at this moment forever. I don't want to face reality. but then i do. Could i just choose some things outta life that i want to deal with and leave the rest out? I think i would be better able to deal with it then. with all of it.

doubt

i am actually questioning whether or not i want to do art for the rest of my life. does that make me a bad artist? i just don't know. its hard for me to make a set plan and keep it. i don't want things to nail me to the ground permanently. i want the freedom to change things. theres always the option of changing mediums and such. i love my art why am i even saying this??? I'm jinxing myself right now.

many artists don't make it to where they want to be. even if they are great. they dont get to that point where you say to yourself, "wow, I've made it." I'm scared I'm not going to make it. I'm going to fall short of that narrow cliff and no one is going to remember me after i die. that's one of the things i don't want. i don't want to die and just be forgotten. how sad would that be? for someone not to matter. i want to matter.

I'm always doubting myself
all people tend to do that. right?

before i die i want to have an adventure. a real adventure. i want to live with out limitations and i just want to be happy. i read about others journeys and they only bring me to realize how bored ive been with life so far. i want to do something but i dont exactly know what it is. i think i am becoming sick. i hate sneezing and coughing. they are uneccessary. really.

the computer has begun to be my only friend this vacation. i feel extremely alone. i want people to talk and laugh with.

Abnormalty

i feel passionate today. about everything. i want to climb a mountain and scream to the world how much i love it. i don't know what has caused my good mood. nothing that fantastic has happened today. just the same old stuff. but i still feel happy. is this normal? definitely not normal for me.

maybe ill paint today. I'm in a painting mood. maybe its the music I'm listening to. Eddie Vedder. he's amazing and his music puts a smile on my face. this mood of mine wont last forever so i might as well make the best of it and paint a beautiful picture. or maybe ill do some colored pencil work. i loved colored pencils. i love starting a new picture. but the end of a piece of art is the best. knowing that you created it. you thought of it. and it is yours. well, maybe not that. what am i trying to explain?

i do not know

i love art because it lets me express myself in a way that is unique. and i don't have to talk or explain it. i generally do not like to talk. weird right? i really wish that i was that talkative person but I'm not. talking to people is exhausting. its not because they are boring, but because its just the way i am. if people could express how they feel through paintings and drawings, i would fit right in. People don't do this, so i will inevitably never fit in. or maybe I'm just being stupid. this doesn't make sense does it?

outside looks so peaceful.

time to change

Ive been making myself hate art lately and i finally know the reason why. Ive been making my art a job and not something i love to do. I'm forcing myself to think of great things to draw or paint and I'm not allowing myself to love it. To feel the way Ive always felt about art, i need to enjoy it again and inspiration will come to me.

You cant look for love, you have to let love find you. Ive some how forgotten what love is lately. everything has begun to consume my thoughts. i want to feel passion, love, and need again. Ive been letting everything go because i just haven't cared. i didn't give a damn that i was losing everything that made me me because i thought, and still think, that life is never going to give me what i want and what I'm looking for. i don't think this as much anymore but it still is on the edge of my mind.

Will we ever be happy? will people ever get what they deserve outta life? i believe we have to fight for it. things aren't going to just fall into your lap. You have to work for them. i didn't get to where i am today without hard work and determination. i am determined to be happy. i will be happy one day.

My goal today will be not to eat everything in sight. i tend to do that often. its a really bad habit. i hate dwelling on my stupid problems but sometimes you have to face them and stop shoving them under the carpet until they eventually break you down and kill you. wow, that's dramatic huh?

its been a really hard year so far and i don't want it to keep going this way. this year I'm going to discover myself. I'm going to stop being that negative person and I'm going to look at things in a different light. i say this now, but later I'm just going to be like fuck that. that's usually how i think. i think that nothing is ever going to get better, but that's exactly whats dragging me down.

The people in my life have really shaped me to the person i am today. the good AND the bad people. there are no villains in my life, only people who have taught me many things. learning is the most important thing you can do in life. you have to learn and grow from the good and the bad. if people just let the bad get to them, this would be a really sad world. i don't know if any of this is making sense. i hope it is.

I have so many thoughts in my head that sometimes it all melts together and it becomes an endless jumble of things I'm not able to organize. its hard living in your own head sometimes. i wish i could just leave it, like going on vacation. I sometimes wish that i never heard some of things that i have. i wish i was ignorant to everything, but that would only make me some one else, a stranger really. i like being some one who is able to understand.

Today's been shaping out to be like all of the rest. Nothing new ever happens unless its a bad thing. i want something exciting, happy and exhilarating to happen. i hate living the same way everyday. i want this to happen but today will not be that day. or any day soon.

its sunday and its valentines day. doing nothing but the same thing i do everyday. eat. sleep. and watch a movie. i sound like a zombie or sumthing, except i can sleep and watch movies. im listening to the Who. its a mad old band but they never get boring. Maybe ill find sumthing exciting to do today. i feel so restless.

blogging mood

so i like the idea of this blog thing. im blogging twice in one day, are you supposed to do that? theres no rules to blogging and i love that. you can type anything you want, anything your little heart desires and no ones going to be like hey! you cant say that. lolz. what AM i saying?

its vacation but i dont feel happy about it. i mean sure you dont have to worry about school, but strangely, i think i like school. i feel like it can take you places. people dont use school to the fullest that they can go. im trying to do that this year. ive fucked up every year before and i want to stop being that fuck up. i want to be the person that people say, "wow, shes really gone somewhere with her life." im scared that im not going to make it though. im trying so hard and im going to fall at any mom,ent. im going to do something wrong and im going to ruin everything. again.

you cant think that way though. thinking negatively only brings you negativity.

ive been trying to find some inspiration for sum art but nothing is helping. its making me irritated. i feel horrible if i dont do anything in art for a long period of time, like its a part of me and with out it id die. thats kinda dramatic but its the way i feel. people tell me im good, but i dont feel that way. i need to be better. thats all that i think. i need to master everything if i want to go any where. but thats not true. i ,love to learn new things and i cant learn enough. i want to know EVERYTHING. haha

this is yet another pointless blog.

not sure if its anger

i feel like Ive been pretty pissed off lately but I'm not entirely sure. i think its just me and not the people around me, yet i still seem to be pissed off at everyone. its like I'm mad at them for being happy. pretty messed up right? i think i might be turning into a total bitch. i want to live in sum ignorant bubble and just not deal with people. gawd. i sound so negative. I'm really not an angry person, its just my mood at this time period.

Ive been really thinking about college lately. i feel as though its my only escape. its my only hope for a normal life. i would really love that. i want to paint 24/7 and just love being me. i get angry when I'm not able to create a picture that's "perfect" because I'm failing if i do. Im not a perfectionist I'm just looking for something. i don't know exactly what that is. but i know I'm only going to get it through my art.

i cant tell people enough how much i love art

there isn't any words for it

i feel like this blog is pointless and that no one is going to read it, but its helping me in this dumb way of "clearing out the clutter in my head" I'm going to adopt the same rule as jeff greene and I'm not going to delete anything that i type. haha. so most likely, none of my blogs are going to make any sense.

i used to loove watching movies and just chilling on the sofa but theres a point where it just gets old. i probably watch a movie at least twice a day and i hate it now. even if its a GREAT movie, i still hate sitting there. i want to talk to people and i want to DO SOMETHING. im tired of wasting my life away watching damn movies. my friends seem like theyre always doing something. im bored with life. i want to take more risks. talk to more people and stop being a dumbass. i think i need to hang out with my friends more. thatd make me happier.