Ive been making myself hate art lately and i finally know the reason why. Ive been making my art a job and not something i love to do. I'm forcing myself to think of great things to draw or paint and I'm not allowing myself to love it. To feel the way Ive always felt about art, i need to enjoy it again and inspiration will come to me.
You cant look for love, you have to let love find you. Ive some how forgotten what love is lately. everything has begun to consume my thoughts. i want to feel passion, love, and need again. Ive been letting everything go because i just haven't cared. i didn't give a damn that i was losing everything that made me me because i thought, and still think, that life is never going to give me what i want and what I'm looking for. i don't think this as much anymore but it still is on the edge of my mind.
Will we ever be happy? will people ever get what they deserve outta life? i believe we have to fight for it. things aren't going to just fall into your lap. You have to work for them. i didn't get to where i am today without hard work and determination. i am determined to be happy. i will be happy one day.
My goal today will be not to eat everything in sight. i tend to do that often. its a really bad habit. i hate dwelling on my stupid problems but sometimes you have to face them and stop shoving them under the carpet until they eventually break you down and kill you. wow, that's dramatic huh?
its been a really hard year so far and i don't want it to keep going this way. this year I'm going to discover myself. I'm going to stop being that negative person and I'm going to look at things in a different light. i say this now, but later I'm just going to be like fuck that. that's usually how i think. i think that nothing is ever going to get better, but that's exactly whats dragging me down.
The people in my life have really shaped me to the person i am today. the good AND the bad people. there are no villains in my life, only people who have taught me many things. learning is the most important thing you can do in life. you have to learn and grow from the good and the bad. if people just let the bad get to them, this would be a really sad world. i don't know if any of this is making sense. i hope it is.
I have so many thoughts in my head that sometimes it all melts together and it becomes an endless jumble of things I'm not able to organize. its hard living in your own head sometimes. i wish i could just leave it, like going on vacation. I sometimes wish that i never heard some of things that i have. i wish i was ignorant to everything, but that would only make me some one else, a stranger really. i like being some one who is able to understand.
Today's been shaping out to be like all of the rest. Nothing new ever happens unless its a bad thing. i want something exciting, happy and exhilarating to happen. i hate living the same way everyday. i want this to happen but today will not be that day. or any day soon.
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